By the time the morning sun trickled its rays of light over the city of Lestallum, all of the hurt that Vanitas had felt the night prior had subsided. No one had brought up the fact that he had chosen to sleep in a hiding spot once more. Noctis had only shaken him awake gently so that he could tend to his wounds.
Ignis was strangely not present in their hotel room when Vanitas had woken up, having apparently gotten pulled away for some phone call he had been waiting for from Insomnia.
Vanitas sort of missed the advisor’s presence, especially as it was a bit awkward between him and Noctis. Vanitas couldn’t explain it, but something about their conversation last night had stung, and while it didn’t necessarily hurt to think about anymore, the wound was still there.
It was a raw sensation. One that made talking to Noctis difficult, and led to the instinctive response of Vanitas keeping as much distance away from him as possible.
They barely spoke that morning, and Vanitas was very quiet during breakfast as well.
‘You alright, Vani? You got that zombie face going on.’ Prompto said with a bit of gentle teasing. ‘Couldn’t get to sleep last night?’
‘Not surprising.’ Gladio shrugged. ‘Leave him be, the kid’s probably wiped.’
Vanitas lets them believe what they want. The simple truth was that he had gotten very skilled lately with suppressing the emotions he didn’t want inside his heart. Over the months that he’s spent living in this new body, he had felt like it was a necessity to learn to do so. Especially since he no longer had any access to funnel his emotions out naturally through his Unversed anymore.
There was no way in hell he could ever let any of those traitorous, childish emotions out. Especially not in front of the guys. And especially not in front of Noctis.
Absolutely no way.
He had noticed recently, though, that the process of emotionally shutting down made certain things surprisingly difficult. He often would have trouble concentrating, and even keeping up a simple conversation was damn near impossible. Even so, it was the only solution he had right now to compartmentalize that raw feeling in his heart from last night, and he willingly stuffed it down to sit on some mental shelf in his brain and collect dust for another day.
Maybe even for all eternity.
Because talking to Noctis like that had hurt, and he deeply regretted it. It kept replaying over and over again in his head, and made Vanitas want to avoid the King altogether until it went away.
Noctis, on the other hand, was not willing to wait until then. It was as if he knew that Vanitas was trying to create distance between them, and he had tried to pull Vanitas aside after breakfast to talk.
Vanitas had barely said anything at all, though, and was very tight lipped about the whole thing as he refused to meet the King’s eye. In the end, Noctis had reluctantly decided to drop it for now, and Vanitas wordlessly allowed himself to be carried out of Lestallum to where they had parked the Insignia.
Arguments still between them or no, Noctis is apparently no longer taking any chances when it comes to Vanitas’s safety.
Ignis wheels the Insignia around to the nearby gas station across the street from the city’s main entrance and reiterates their plan for today.
‘We shall head south towards Old Lestallum, before making our way to Cape Caem, where we will be spending the evening.’ Ignis informs while looking over their itinerary on his phone.
‘Woah, just two stops? That’s a first.’ Prompto comments as he pumps gas into the car.
‘Hey this is still a vacation, right? Gotta kick back at some point.’ Gladio says while working on organizing the trunk to make room for the new supplies they recently bought.
‘Precisely.’ Ignis says. ‘Trust that I am not so heartless as to completely rule out the relaxation part of this venture.’
‘Never thought I’d see the day when Specs pushes us to relax.’ Noctis chuckles. ‘What was that saying Prompto came up with once? Hard work is a matter of per-Spec-tive; just one frame at a time?’
Noctis’s words cause Prompto and Gladio to laugh, while Ignis lets out a sigh.
Vanitas doesn’t laugh alongside them, and is instead limp and obedient in Noctis’s arms, mentally preparing himself to go back into that dreaded car seat.
He and the others all collectively look up, though, when the sound of someone shouting his name can be heard over the general cacophony coming from the city.
‘Vanitas!!’ August yells, walking across the street alongside his mother.
Once he is within a certain distance, though, he shakes off her hand and sprints the rest of the way.
Noctis places Vanitas down onto the ground just as the slightly bigger child rams into him, catching his new friend in a hug. Unprepared for the sudden assault, Vanitas flails as the two of them fall backwards onto the ground.
‘Augustine! Be gentle!’ His mother chides, letting out a sigh when her son only laughs, both of them clearly unharmed. ‘I apologize, he wanted to say goodbye to you all.’
‘No worries.’ Noctis says fondly while looking down at Vanitas. ‘I’m glad you made a friend.’
‘Yea right.’ Vanitas pushes August away and stands up.
‘I’ll see you again yea?’ August asks quickly, undeterred. ‘In that big city mom wants to go to. Ins… Inso…’
‘Insomnia, dear.’ His mother provides, smoothing out his ruffled brown hair. ‘We plan to be moving there soon.’
‘Glad to hear it.’ Noctis says while crossing his arms. ‘We always welcome newcomers looking to move into the city.’
‘Oh, is that where you all are from?’ She asks, before suddenly gasping. ‘My goodness, I’m sorry. I never introduced myself. My name is Olivia, and this is my son August.’ She places her hands onto her son’s shoulders with a proud smile.
‘You’re already met Vanitas.’ Noctis says, mirroring her by placing his own hands onto Vanitas’s small shoulders. ‘That’s Ignis, Prompto and Gladio.’ He gestures to each of the guys respectively, who all wave in turn. ‘My name’s Noctis. Nice to meet you.’
‘Noctis, it’s a pleasure to…’ She suddenly stops dead in her tracks as her eyes go wide. ‘Wait, Noctis from Insomnia? As in the…?’ She looks between all of them in shock, placing a startled hand to her mouth.
‘Don’t worry about formalities or nothin’.’ Prompto pipes up when she goes to frantically bow. ‘Noct’s pretty chill.’
‘We’re just passin’ through.’ Gladio hums, shutting the lid of the trunk.
‘Still, I apologize for not noticing, Your Majesty.’ She bows again anyway. ‘My son and I are not from Insomnia, you see, we originally hale from Old Lestallum. We came here to earn enough gil to travel to the city so that August could start school.’
‘Might I inquire on your current funds?’ Ignis steps in, ever the professional willing to help. ‘We do offer a relief program to those wanting to travel to Insomnia, especially persons with small children looking to enter the school district.’
‘Well…’
Vanitas lets the adult’s conversation go in one ear and out the other before August nudges him with his elbow.
‘Where you goin’?’ He asks.
‘Old Lestallum.’ Vanitas shoves his hands into his pockets.
‘Oh, when you get there, you gotta say hi to Whiskers!’ August says with a grin.
‘Whiskers?’ Vanitas raises a brow.
‘He’s the big fat cat that lives near the diner.’ August beams. ‘He likes head scratches! He’ll purr real loud.’
‘Whatever.’ Vanitas says, looking down at the ground.
August looks at him, a frown on his small face.
‘What’s wrong?’ He asks. ‘Are you sick?’
‘No.’ Vanitas says, his tone lacking any bite.
He is a bit startled, though, when August steps closer again to give him a much gentler hug.
‘Feel better.’ Is all he says.
Vanitas looks at him funny, having half a mind to correct him that he’s not sick. But in the end, he doesn’t have the strength to do so, and instead slowly, very slowly, returns the embrace.
‘… Thanks.’
August hums, squeezing Vanitas a bit tighter before pulling away with a shy smile.
‘Bye Vanitas!’
‘Sure.’ Vanitas shrugs. ‘Stay out of trouble, would ya?’
‘I will!’ August beams. ‘I got this wrist thingy now, see?’
He holds up his wrist and Vanitas notices for the first time that he’s wearing a bright green bracelet. It has a long springy cord coming off of it, which is attached to a matching bracelet on his mother’s wrist.
‘Woah that thing looks handy.’ Prompto comments while leaning against the car. ‘Should we get you one of those, Vani?’ He teases, unaware of how Vanitas tenses on the spot.
Something… doesn’t seem right about that thing.
‘Jaida and I have one of those for Poppy when it gets too crowded in the city.’ Gladio explains. ‘The bracelets have locks on ‘em, and the cord is real pretty much unbreakable, so we never have to worry about her getting lost.’
Gladio’s words cause Vanitas to pause as he distantly realizes that it’s … a sort of leash designed for children.
‘Yea! And look Vanitas! I like how it can twirl around!’ August grins and waves his arm, causing the green cord to swing like a jump rope in between him and his mother. ‘It’s fun! Wanna try it?’
Vanitas doesn’t respond, only looking at the bracelet with something akin to fear gripping his heart. Suddenly there is a lump in his throat, his vision turning blurry. An awful feeling comes over him as he remembers back to the conversation he had with Noctis last night…
“It’s not!’ Vanitas insists. ‘And unless you wanna leash me to your wrist like a dog, it’s not gonna change! I don’t need to be babied by you, alright? I don’t need anyone!”
He didn’t… he didn’t know that, those things actually existed…
He looks to the King, who is unaware of his gaze and still talking with Olivia and Ignis.
Vanitas quietly hides his wrists from Noctis’s view and takes a step back.
‘Vani?’ Prompto questions, placing a gentle hand onto Vanitas’s shoulder and causing the child to startle.
Vanitas quickly turns to the car and jumps to pull on the handle and open the door. The sound causes all of the adults to look over, but Vanitas only turns to Prompto.
‘Can we leave now?’ He asks hurriedly.
Prompto blinks, looking dumbfounded as he casts a quick glance at Gladio, Ignis and Noctis.
Since when did Vanitas ever willingly want to get in the car?
‘Yea.’ He nods after a moment. ‘Yea sure thing, bud. We can leave now, don’t worry.’
Thankfully, Olivia’s conversation with Ignis and Noctis is pretty much over anyway, and quick farewells are exchanged with promises of meeting again one day in Insomnia. Vanitas doesn’t react when August gives him another hug in farewell, and barely waves back when the other boy and his mother take their leave.
Vanitas tries not to tremble as Noctis straps him into the booster seat, and willing clutches the pink stuffed chocobo for the first time in public, hiding his small face behind the soft pink fluff as Prompto drives them out of Lestallum.
The flight to Old Lestallum is as normal as ever, with the guys sharing their usual good-natured banter. Vanitas is silent throughout it all, grateful to be left alone. He figures they must think that he’s just tired. He did stay up way late last night, after all. They all did, so it was the perfect excuse.
He doesn’t want to talk about this with them. Doesn’t want to show them his childish fear of whatever punishment Noctis probably has in store for what happened last night.
Because, now that he thinks about it… there has to be a punishment, right? He can’t imagine why there wouldn’t be. Especially not after the way Vanitas spoke to Noctis.
Master Xehanort would have never let that slide… absolutely no way.
If he were here, Vanitas would have had that child leash slapped on him ages ago.
Vanitas trembles quietly and tries not to think about it as the car touches down at their destination.
Their stop in Old Lestallum goes on without a hitch, with Noctis speaking to the locals as normal while Gladio oversees his King’s safety as the ever-watchful Shield. Vanitas keeps an abnormally wide distance away from Noctis, with Prompto and Ignis sticking close by.
Eventually they spot the fat cat that August was talking about over by the local restaurant.
‘Okay you gotta let me get this shot.’ Prompto grins as the cat makes a show of rubbing up against Vanitas. ‘Noct is gonna be so jealous!’
Vanitas doesn’t respond as Prompto clicks his camera, only absentmindedly petting the cat with a distracted gaze.
‘Are you sure you’re feeling alright, Vanitas?’ Ignis asks, watching the child carefully with a thoughtful hand on his chin. ‘You seem unwell today.’
‘I’m fine.’ Vanitas says, though he knows without looking that Ignis isn’t buying it.
‘It’s still early but hey, how about something at the Crow’s Nest?’ Prompto offers. ‘I’ll split some fries with you. C’mon, I’ll let you have all the sweet and sour sauce.’ He lilts his voice invitingly. ‘I know that’s your favorite kind.’
‘No thanks.’ Vanitas says, not looking up.
He misses how Prompto and Ignis share a glance.
Their group of five sets out for Cape Caem ahead of schedule and arrive just before lunch time. The place has been well looked after since the First Dawn and it’s become sort of a resting spot for any Crownsguard passing by. There are neighbors that live close to the property too that regularly tend to the fields and the lighthouse, and noticeably some beehives, fruit trees, and crop fields have been added to the area since Vanitas was last here.
The old summer home had been completely rebuilt from the ground up with a completely new floor plan and more modern furnishings after the daemons tore it down during the Endless Night. Noctis mentioned that he rather likes what they’ve done with the place lately, and admitted that he’s come up here every once in a while just for a weekend away whenever things become too hectic in the Crowned City. It helped also that the place still had that hidden dock underneath the lighthouse that harbored the royal vessel.
‘Since we’ve arrived earlier than planned, shall we take the time to set sail after lunch?’ Ignis suggests as they enter the refurbished house.
‘Could go fishing.’ Prompto says teasingly while heading up the stairs with his travel bag to sneakily claim first dibs on one of the rooms for the night.
‘Now you’re speaking my language.’ Noctis calls up to him from the kitchen, easily taking the offered bait.
‘You gonna practice your cast, shorty?’ Gladio asks Vanitas while holding the front door open for him.
Vanitas doesn’t respond while bringing his own bag into the house.
Gladio raises a dark eyebrow, watching him.
‘Don’t tell me you still got your panties in a twist from last night.’ He crosses his arms.
‘I don’t.’ Vanitas says, no bite to his words as he dumps his bag with the others in the living room.
‘We forgive you, Vani.’ Prompto says gently, peeking his head out of one of the rooms. ‘We know it’s not your fault.’
‘I know.’
He tries to ignore how the adults all share a worried glance.
The royal vessel is apparently one of the few seaward ships that has made it through the Endless Night completely unscathed. It belonged to Noctis’s father, and his father before him, and is every bit the noble and grand ship that Vanitas would expect the royal line of Lucis to have.
The sky is clear, and the breeze is lovely as Noctis sails them onto the water with ease, looking for a nice place to fish. Seagulls sing their song overhead and the waves lap at the bottom of the ship as they eventually stop and weigh anchor. Gladio has, unsurprisingly, taken his shirt off under the pleasantly warm afternoon sun and is doing pull ups from the ship’s overhang. Prompto is stealing snapshots of Noctis fishing from the bow, cracking jokes and gossiping about some wild story he recently heard from some locals in one of the outposts. Ignis has apparently taken to making another phone call, and Vanitas can just barely make out the sound of his hushed tones talking to someone on the other line.
By all accounts, Vanitas should be having fun. It’s an amazingly beautiful day, all of his friends are enjoying themselves, and they’re out on the ocean; something he’s never dreamed of doing while growing up in the desert wastelands of The Keyblade Graveyard.
Even so, Vanitas is having a hard time pulling himself together. He’s somehow stuffed his emotions so far down into himself that even his Unversed are unable to figure out just what the hell is going on inside his heart.
What’s worse, he simply just can’t bring himself to care at all.
It’s like fighting to go uphill through quicksand; a losing battle that he has no energy to try to overcome, so he just… lets it happen.
All he’s able to do is lie down by himself alone at the back of the ship, wearing a small blue life jacket that Ignis had asked him to wear. He didn’t protest at all; not out of a willingness to put it on, but just simply out of a lack of energy to say anything otherwise. He tries to ignore the tight feeling of the children’s life jacket against his chest and back as he absentmindedly watches the crystal blue waves slap against the boat. The water around the ship is rhythmic and hypnotic, so much so that he can feel the pull of sleep calling to him again.
He’s not tired, not even close, but it seems like a good idea as any to pass the time. Plus, it was probably the only thing he can do right now that wouldn’t have the guys looking at him with those concerned glances they’ve been sporting all day.
Resigned, Vanitas closes his eyes and starts to drift off.
Just as he’s about to fall asleep, though, he’s pulled back to consciousness when he notices that the sound of the waves has suddenly come to a chilling stop.
‘Hm?’ He hums, slowly opening his eyes and looking down at the water.
The water is crystal clear, and weirdly a much darker, shinier blue than he remembers. Vanitas slowly sits up, raising an eyebrow as he gazes closer into the depths. His body instinctively trembles with a muted shiver as he notices that there is no movement in the water.
The ocean is completely, eerily still.
Then, the shiny blue water parts, slowly revealing a gigantic green eyeball.
Its slit pupil center on him in an instant and Vanitas tenses, but holds the gaze.
The eyeball is easily ten times his small size, the boat itself dwarfed in comparison to the monster underneath it.
If Vanitas had the energy to be impressed or terrified, he would be.
For a few long, agonizing moments, though, nothing happens, and Vanitas frowns, too emotionally exhausted to care about any repercussions.
‘What do you want from me?’ He asks the astral in a not very kind tone, holding its gaze without a care in the world. ‘Piss off.’
The creature blinks, and Vanitas once again hears the sound of muffled words in his ears. He is ultimately unable to understand whatever it is this overgrown serpent has to say, however, and within a few heart beats, the astral is gone as quickly as it came.
Once the water clears, and the waves resume their dance up against the boat, Vanitas simply lies back down again, staring into the water again with a sigh.
Their boat ride eventually comes to an end as sunset descends upon the world. Ignis has been very secretive about whomever it is he had been talking to earlier on the phone, only stating that he will be expecting a follow up call sometime later this evening.
Vanitas leaves him be, uninterested to know any of the details, and dinner is served at its usual time. He doesn’t eat, and instead plays with his food as he contemplates everything so far.
He’s begun to think that maybe, just maybe, living this way wasn’t worth it.
Yes, it’s great to be back on Eos, and be here with his friends again, but the price of being miserable in his own body is steep. Much steeper than he ever expected.
He simply… doesn’t know who he is anymore, and that scares him more than he’ll ever admit.
Perhaps things would have been better if he hadn’t come back at all.
And… dying again wouldn’t be that bad. He’s done it twice already so far.
Really, what’s one more?
Vanitas is so lost in his thoughts that he doesn’t react when Ignis places a hand to his forehead.
‘You’re making me paranoid over there Iggy.’ Gladio comments. ‘How many times you gonna check the kid for a fever?’
‘Apologies, seems only this once more.’ Ignis says, though he doesn’t sound apologetic in the slightest. He’s been giving Vanitas strange looks all day, something in his eyes entirely different than the worried and concerned glances he’s been getting from Prompto, Noctis and Gladio.
‘You feeling sick, Van?’ Noctis asks, his brow upturned with concern. ‘Barely touched your food.’
‘Hm.’ Vanitas hums, unresponsive as the sound of Ignis’s phone goes off.
‘Excuse me a moment.’ Ignis says and heads outside to take the call.
Noctis nods in acknowledgement to Ignis, before he too places the back of his hand against Vanitas’s cheeks, checking for a high temperature. Vanitas lets him do so without any of his usual protesting.
‘Seriously, Van, what’s eating you?’ He asks with concern.
Vanitas sighs and pulls away from Noctis.
‘Nothing.’
The table lapses into silence for a minute or two, none of the adults believing the littlest member of their group, before the sound of Ignis coming back inside causes them all to look up.
Ignis has a stern expression on his face, his grip on his cellphone tight as he looks at Vanitas.
‘That is quite concerning.’ He says to the other person on the line. ‘Are you certain?’ He is quiet then, listening. From this distance, no one at the table can decipher their conversation, but by the way a dark shadow falls over Ignis’s face, Vanitas can tell that it isn’t about anything good. ‘I will. Thank you for your time.’
Ignis hangs up the phone and approaches the table.
‘Vanitas, have you finished eating?’ He asks.
‘Uh, yea?’
No sooner has the word left his mouth than Ignis is picking him up. Vanitas startles in response, yelping with surprise as he’s hoisted into the air. Ignis has never picked him up before, much less done so without asking first and in such a quick manner.
‘Whatever you all hear, please do not interrupt us.’ Ignis says calmly, only adding to Vanitas’s confusion as he’s taken up the stairs and into one of the bedrooms. The expected questions from Noctis, Prompto and Gladio go unheard as the advisor locks the door with an audible click and deposits Vanitas onto the bed.
‘What the hell, Iggy?’ Vanitas asks, thoroughly confused.
‘Vanitas,’ Ignis starts, his expression stern and knowing as he adjusts his glasses with a frown. ‘You are suppressing your emotions.’ He lays all the cards out on the table, knowing he’s caught Vanitas in the act. ‘That was your doctor I spoke with just now, and she is concerned for your mental health moving forward if you continue to do so.’
‘I’m not suppressing anything.’ Vanitas dismisses his concerns and moves to get off the bed.
‘You are.’ Ignis says, quietly placing himself between the child and the door. ‘Per her request, I have been monitoring you for some time and I can see it, clear as day.’
Vanitas stares at him for a moment or two, before moving to go around the advisor. He only ends up getting his arm grabbed for his trouble, though.
‘Let go, Ignis.’ Vanitas protests, trying to wrench his arm free.
‘Talk to me, Vanitas.’ Ignis only says in response, voice gentle.
Vanitas struggles again in the hold, staring anywhere but up at the adult.
‘It’s fine, alright? I’m dealing with it.’ He scoffs.
‘Vanitas.’ Ignis says sternly, undeterred. ‘You cannot continue to suppress your emotions. Given your current state, it will only lead to more concerning issues down the line.’ Ignis says, trying to make him see reason. ‘Depression, being one of them, which I have noticed in you today. Don’t think that I haven’t.’ He says pointedly, causing Vanitas to freeze. ‘The lack of ability to communicate or understand yourself, being another. I would never wish that upon you.’ The hand that is on Vanitas’s arm softens but does not yield. ‘So please, speak to me. Tell me what you are feeling.’
‘I’m not feeling anything.’ Vanitas denies, shifting away as much as he is allowed and looking down at the ground.
Ignis is silent then for a moment, letting a breath pass through him.
‘What did you and Noctis speak of last night?’ He asks slowly, his eyes critical and gears winding in that intelligent mind of his. ‘I know that something must have happened, but he was not inclined to share.’
Vanitas doesn’t respond, only standing there with his arm limp in Ignis’s hold.
The two of them stay there in silence for a very long time, Vanitas unwilling to talk and Ignis showcasing that he’s willing to wait him out, no matter how long it takes.
Slowly, eventually, Vanitas speaks.
‘I hate this.’ He says, glaring at the wood floor beneath his feet. ‘I didn’t ask to come back like this. A useless child who can’t do anything by himself.’ He grits his teeth. ‘Last night never should have happened. I should have been able to find the kid and warp back to you guys no problem.’ He grits his teeth angrily and wrenches his arm again. This time Ignis lets him go. ‘The truth is I don’t know who I am anymore, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear!?’ Vanitas voice grows in volume as he turns his back on Ignis. ‘I hate what I see in the mirror. A kid that needs babysitting, and naps, and stuffed animals, and planned meals, and punishments and water wings and… and the stupid car seat!’ Vanitas is shouting now, gripping his hair tightly in frustration. ‘I’ve just fucking had it, okay?! I’m not a kid!’ He shouts, his voice loud as if to convince not just Ignis but himself as well. ‘You all seem to have forgotten that, but I sure as hell haven’t!’
When Vanitas finishes, he heaves several deep breaths.
For a moment or two, he thinks that maybe Ignis will deny his accusations. The advisor is silent for some time, though, letting Vanitas breathe and digesting his words carefully, before he lets out a hum of quiet acknowledgement.
‘Clearly, we have not done right by you, Vanitas.’ He says, voice understanding and soft.
‘You think?!’ Vanitas turns on him with a hiss. It feels good to let this anger out, to share it with someone even though he knows that Ignis doesn’t deserve it. ‘Now Noct and I are fighting because I can’t just stay still! Because I’m trying to deal with all these stupid thoughts in my head and the stupid Astral’s price or whatever it is and these stupid fucking childish emotions that are driving me insane! It takes everything in me to force it all down!’ He says, turning around fully to face Ignis. ‘But I’m putting up with it. I have to.’ He glares. ‘You don’t know what it’s like Ignis, to have no one. To practically live in solitary confinement every damn day of your life.’
Ignis is silent, listening to Vanitas as the child shakily takes a few steps away and sits on the floor, picking at the blue oval shaped carpet there haphazardly with his small fingers.
‘I came here because you guys are…’ Vanitas pauses, unable to finish his sentence. ‘But look at me Iggy, what future do I have? I can’t use my keyblade, and when I do use any of the powers I have left I only fuck everything up. Noct’s probably going to lose it one of these days because of me. Gladio told me how he completely freaked out yesterday.’ He digs at the carpet, needing something tactile to touch in this moment. ‘Cid said maybe I should think about being adopted or something. Start over from the age I am now. But who would ever want me?’ He leans into himself, his next words whispered. ‘Maybe it’s not too late to just give the Astrals their gift back.’
Ignis, who has been attentively listening up to his point, immediately goes to Vanita’s side in response to those words.
‘You cannot mean that.’ Ignis says seriously, his expression devastated as he places a comforting hand onto Vanitas’s small shoulder.
Vanitas only looks down at the ground, not responding.
Ignis takes in a shaky breath, his hand on the child’s shoulder tightening as if to hold Vanitas in place from wherever his mind is trying to take him.
‘I can assure you that you are not a burden, Vanitas.’ Ignis says, his tone overwhelmingly sincere and gentle. ‘We are so happy to have you here with us. More than you know. And we want what is best for you. Always.’ Ignis looks him over. ‘Why did you not bring any of this up sooner?’ He questions softly, though Vanitas doesn’t answer. ‘If I had not brought you in here today, would you have ever talked to us about this?’
When Vanitas again doesn’t respond, Ignis sits up a bit straighter.
‘… Do you think we would judge you for these thoughts you’ve been harboring?’ Ignis questions. ‘Or if you were ever to express those ‘stupid childish emotions’ that you’ve been suppressing?’
‘You? No.’ Vanitas mumbles, pulling at the carpet again.
‘What about Gladio? Or Prompto?’ Ignis prods.
‘Might poke fun at me later.’ Vanitas says. ‘But… no.’
Ignis pauses.
‘And Noctis?’
Vanitas goes silent and takes a shaky breath. All of a sudden, he feels like a frog has lodged its way into his small throat, making it hard to breathe.
‘Do you think Noctis would be upset with you, Vanitas?’ Ignis gently prods again, his hand moving to rub the child’s back in a comforting manner.
Vanitas squeezes his eyes shut, hiding his gaze away from the wet feeling of tears threatening to fall.
‘I don’t want him to know.’ Vanitas admits in a quiet voice, ashamed and humiliated. ‘It’s easier this way.’
Ignis lets out a breath, understanding seeming to dawn within him.
‘I know that you look up to Noct. You always have.’ Ignis says, producing a handkerchief from his breast pocket. Vanitas takes it, rubbing his small eyes harshly with the fabric. ‘The two of you have a very special bond.’
‘Not so special anymore.’ Vanitas says with a bitter laugh. ‘You should have seen the look on his face last night when I yelled at him.’ He takes in a shaky breath. ‘And I know I’ve been pissing him off this whole trip. Ever since Hammerhead. I should have just stayed behind.’
‘No, you should not have stayed behind. We all want you here. Noctis most of all. I know that you know this already, Vanitas.’ He says, brushing a few stray strands of black hair away as Vanitas buries his face into the handkerchief to hide further. ‘And how can you say no one would want you? All of us do already, and we’re not willing to let you go ever again. You have my word.’
A sob leaves Vanitas in response to Ignis’s words before he can stop it, and the advisor gently pulls the child into his arms before Vanitas can think to pull away.
‘I’m truly sorry, Vanitas.’ Ignis apologizes, taking ownership of his and his friend’s actions as he squeezes Vanitas tightly. ‘I realize now that by trying to overly attend to your new physical state, we have completely neglected your mental one.’ He says as Vanitas starts to struggle in his hold, trying to escape and hide his shame like a wounded animal. ‘We never should have allowed you to feel this way in the first place.’
Vanitas doesn’t respond, squirming for several more moments before turning to hide his face against Ignis’s shirt when he realizes that he can’t escape. The tears are unstoppable now as they silently bubble and overflow. He can feel Ignis wrap him tightly in an embrace, shielding him from the rest of the world.
It’s here, with nowhere to hide, that Vanitas’s sobs grow more frequent and eventually turn into bawling, before becoming pained wails. The sound is loud and filled with grief from so many years of pent-up emotions. Vanitas clings to Ignis like his life depends on it, crying his entire heart out all at once after a lifetime of neglect as his friend holds him tightly, encouraging him to finally, finally let it all out.
Downstairs and with no idea of what Ignis’s intentions are, Noctis, Gladio and Prompto merely look at each other with confusion as one of the upstairs bedroom doors clicks shut.
‘…What was that about?’ Noctis asks after a moment of silence.
‘Dunno.’ Prompto shrugs.
‘Probably nothin’ good.’ Gladio hums, looking up at the ceiling underneath the room where Ignis and Vanitas have disappeared into.
They all sit together awkwardly around the dinner table, silently listening for any inkling of what’s going on. Since the house was remodeled, there has been soundproofing added to the once paper-thin walls. Even so, it’s not enough to completely block out all sound. If one listens closely enough, the soft muffled murmurings of Ignis and Vanitas’s conversation can be heard even from downstairs.
After a few minutes, Vanitas’s voice gets louder, sounding angry. Noctis shifts in his seat impatiently. Prompto and Gladio are much the same, though neither of them dares to speak and ruin each other’s chances of hearing the conversation going on upstairs.
Then, after what feels like an eternity, they all hear it.
The sound is unmistakable, and they all completely freeze in response to it.
…
Vanitas is crying.
Immediately, Noctis stands and moves towards the stairs, only for his arm to be caught roughly by Gladio.
‘Specs said not to interfere.’ His Shield whispers.
Noctis glares at him, but doesn’t protest the hold, both of them knowing that Ignis can be trusted, no matter the situation. Surely, whatever it is that’s going on is necessary, he knows that. But when Vanitas’s crying grows louder, to the point of wailing with so much pain and grief the likes of which physically breaks his heart, Noctis has an exceptionally hard time staying still.
From their position downstairs, they can hear various words from both Ignis and Vanitas.
Hurts
Relax
Worthless
Breathe
Emotions
But one particular word hits them like a ton of bricks.
Die.
Prompto has to grab both Noctis and Gladio’s arms, stopping them from marching up the stairs. That doesn’t make the situation any easier, however, nor the wait any quicker to bear as the three friends are left tense and listening as eventually, after what feels like an eternity, the crying slowly comes to a stop and the house falls uncomfortably silent.
Even longer still does it take for the bedroom door to finally open, and Ignis to come down the stairs. Immediately, he’s met with a thousand questions, but the advisor only holds up one finger, asking them all silently to wait. He collects Vanitas’s bag, stuffed chocobo included, and heads back upstairs.
Only after about a few more minutes of waiting, Ignis re-emerges and joins them all in the dining room. His expression is haunted, his arms crossed, and his brow furrowed as he looks down at the floor, one hip leaning against the table.
‘As of late, I had been… worried for Vanitas’s mental state.’ He begins. ‘And for good reason it seems.’ He sighs, looking up towards the closed bedroom door. ‘Suppressing one’s feelings as an adult is never beneficial, and it can be downright damaging for children learning their emotional equilibrium for the first time.’ He says, his tone serious. ‘Not only that, but it seems Vanitas has been going through much more than we’ve been made to understand. As I’m sure you all have heard.’
‘You could say that again.’ Prompto frowns, looking as if he might cry himself.
‘So what happens now?’ Gladio asks. He’s next to Ignis, his arms crossed, and lips pulled down into a deep frown.
‘He has tuckered himself out.’ Ignis explains with a sigh. ‘Downright exhausted, honestly. Though, I’m sure he could do well with a talk from each of us once he recovers. Especially you, Noct.’ He says, causing Noctis to look up from where he had been glaring at the floor, lost in thought. ‘Vanitas has always strived for your approval.’ Ignis points out. ‘And was adamant that he never wants you to see any weakness he harbors. Hence, his instinct to hide last night after your argument, and his following depressive episode today.’
Noctis frowns further, his lips forming a thin line.
‘The same thing happened the day after he disappeared that night in the throne room. Cor said he seemed depressed.’ Noctis says, pinching his brow as he puts two and two together.
‘Yea, it was pretty much the same thing too after we heard about Duchess passing away.’ Prompto hums sadly, then turns to Ignis. ‘So Iggy, what exactly happened up there?’
Ignis sighs, taking a seat at the table.
‘I am not inclined to share absolutely everything. That is between all of you and Vanitas, should he wish to relay that information.’ Ignis starts off, removing his glasses and rubbing one of his temples. ‘The most pressing matter being Vanitas’s admission that he… In plain terms, would not mind returning the Astral’s gift of life.’
His words cause Noctis, Prompto and Gladio to look up in shock.
‘What?!’ Prompto shakes his head violently. ‘No! We can’t let him do that!’
‘I agree.’ Ignis says, though his expression is conflicted. ‘But this change is growing to be more than Vanitas can bear. He simply does not understand who he is any longer.’
All of them grow silent, unsure of what to do. Truthfully, if any one of them were in Vanitas’s shoes, they could not say they would be able to handle it any better.
‘But…’ Prompto eventually says. ‘That’s the good thing about it right? He can be anyone he wants to be now. Find his own path.’
‘The choices are abundant, and perhaps overwhelming.’ Ignis looks to Noctis. ‘He had mentioned that Cid propositioned getting a fresh start, perhaps looking into adoption with a new family.’
At this notion, Noctis noticeably straightens in his seat and looks out towards the kitchen window. His retinue, knowing their King too well by now, give him pointed glances.
When it’s clear that Noctis is not going to say anything, Gladio continues the conversation.
‘Did shorty even seem to like that idea?’
At this, Ignis sighs and closes his eyes.
‘I would be inclined to believe so. But he does not think himself worthy of it.’
Noctis turns to him, raising a dark eyebrow.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘He asked, in no certain terms, who would ever want him?’
Anger courses over Noctis’s face and he stands up, slapping one of his hands on the table.
‘He’s so…’ He shakes his head, frustrated. ‘Where does he get off thinking something like that?! You’ve gotta be kidding me. We all want him. We’ve all been waiting for him to find his way back to us.’
‘Some more than others.’ Gladio mumbles, causing Noctis to turn on him with a glare.
‘You want to speak up?’
‘Noct.’ Prompto says with a knowing gaze. ‘Let’s stop kicking the can around.’ He says gently with a small laugh, knowing his best friend’s avoidant tendencies. ‘You wanna adopt Vani, don’t you? I’ve had a feeling for a while now.’
Noctis lets out a breath, unable to look any of them in the eye.
Gladio leans back in his chair as the King sits back down.
‘No use denying it.’ Gladio says. ‘Better to just cough it up.’
At this notion, Noctis doesn’t comment or protest further, knowing he’s been caught.
‘I have… thought about it.’ He admits, lacing his fingers together on the table. ‘Cindy brought it up too. Been on my mind ever since.’ He looks up towards the door that Vanitas is sleeping behind. ‘But it’d be up to him in the long run.’
‘I would not be truthful if I said it didn’t cross my mind as well.’ Ignis admits. ‘There are quite a few individuals that believe it so already. Take Augustine’s mother for example. You did not correct her on this point, I’ve noticed.’
‘Some of the guys in the citadel think the same thing. Both the staff and some of the Crownsguard. I’ve heard ‘em whispering about it.’ Gladio says. ‘Little prince isn’t a nickname they just came up with outta nowhere, you know.’
‘Let’s back up a minute, though. Could Noct really…?’ Prompto trials off, looking towards his best friend. ‘How would it even work?’
‘One step at a time.’ Ignis regains their focus to the task at hand. ‘That certain conversation should be something to bring up in the future, certainly, and as Noctis stated, Vanitas’s feelings on the matter would be the deciding factor.’ Ignis hums, causing the others to nod in agreement. ‘But for now, I suggest that the next course of action be to simply clear the air once he awakens…’
A few hours later, when the moon is high and the darkness of night has descended upon Eos, Vanitas cracks open his tired blue eyes. They feel puffy, and hard to see through as his eyelashes are caked together. He rubs the crust away, wincing as it hurts to do so.
Just great.
There is a soft glow of light coming from underneath the bedroom door, and Vanitas can hear the sound of someone shuffling in the kitchen downstairs as he surveys the room. The bed he has been sleeping in is unkempt, as if he’s been rolling around fitfully in his sleep, and that pink chocobo plushie is back, sitting innocently next to him up against the wall.
Ignis is long gone by now, but there is a suspicious cup of water and a box of tissues on the nightstand that weren’t there before.
Vanitas takes in a breath, frowning as he gets up off the foreign bed. It can’t be too late by now if someone’s still awake downstairs. He doesn’t want to catch their attention, though, lest there be more uncomfortable conversations he doesn’t want to have.
With a sigh, Vanitas grabs the pillow off the bed and throws it onto the floor, angry with himself. As he pulls the blanket off next, however, he startles as something clatters onto the floor. He whips his head around, noting that the pillow collided with the nightstand, knocking the tissue box onto the floor.
The box is made of cardboard, the complete opposite of a heavy object, but the sound it makes is enough to cause whoever is in the kitchen to stop what they’re doing and head upstairs.
Vanitas curses. His childish brain thinks about perhaps jumping back into bed and pretending to still be asleep, but he only straightens up with a frown.
No. He has no reason to hide what he’s doing.
The old Vanitas never would. Why should he start now?
A gentle knock sounds against the door, and Vanitas turns to it just as Noctis pokes his head in.
‘Hey. Thought I heard you were up.’ Noctis says as he enters the room, shutting the door behind him and turning on the overhead light.
Vanitas grumbles, closing his eyes, but Noctis only keeps it on for a few seconds to find the small lamp in the corner of the room. The softer, lowered brightness is much better for Vanitas’s eyes, but still, he rubs at them uncomfortably.
‘Ugh, what time is it?’ He groans.
‘Bout midnight.’ Noct says, crossing the room to sit on the bed. He notices that one of the pillows has been pulled off but chooses not to comment on it. ‘Seems your sleep schedule’s all messed up.’
‘Yup.’ Vanitas says sarcastically and continues his mission of setting up. He takes the traitorous pillow and stuffs it in the corner of the room where there’s just barely a space big enough for him between a chair and a bookcase.
Noctis watches him work, not deigning to help or comment, but he does hand Vanitas the blanket when the child comes back for it, along with the stuffed chocobo.
Vanitas looks at the offered pink stuffed animal for a few moments, before accepting it.
‘Prom’s happy you like the chocobo, by the way.’ Noctis comments, tone casual as Vanitas makes his fort. ‘Won’t stop gushing about it whenever your back is turned.’
‘I’m sure it’s not the only thing you guys talk about behind my back.’ Vanitas says bitterly, wanting to escape this conversation and immerse himself in the safety of the darkness, even though he knows his hiding skills aren’t fooling anyone.
‘You want to talk about it face to face instead?’
‘I never wanted to in the first place.’ Vanitas says with a scowl. ‘Ignis wouldn’t leave me alone until I did.’
‘Yea, Iggy will do that.’ Noctis hums with empathy. ‘Happened to me when we were kids plenty of times.’
Vanitas hums back in response, not having the will to keep talking as he finishes his little fort. As he goes to climb inside, however, Noctis speaks.
‘The beds a lot comfier than the floor, you know.’ His tone is gentle; coaxing.
‘Whatever.’ Vanitas dismisses with a scoff. He sits down on the floor at the entrance to the fort, his back to Noctis. ‘…How much did you hear, anyway?’
‘Enough.’ Noctis says, his tone thoughtful. ‘Iggy wanted to respect your privacy, but…’ He trails off. ‘We never knew how miserable you were. Enough to want to…’ He sighs. ‘I’m sorry we didn’t notice sooner, Van.’
Vanitas is silent for a long time, long enough that Noctis begins to think that he won’t respond at all, before the child looks back at him over his shoulder.
‘I wanted to come back here and show you how much I learned. How much stronger I got.’ He admits. ‘I wanted to argue about your stupid puns, and race and fight together like we used to.’ He looks down at his small hands with disdain. ‘I wanted everything to be exactly like it was again, not like this.’
Noctis looks Vanitas over, suddenly reminded of himself. That wish… he had the same one about Luna. To protect her, and laugh together as they once had as children. The Noctis that left Insomnia as a young man wanted so much more than the trials and tribulations that landed him where he is today.
If he could go back and do it all over again, there was plenty that Noctis would change. People that he wished he could save, and things he would do differently. He thinks about it every day. But he’s come to realize that regret shouldn’t stop him from living now, in the present. He’s lost so much already, but there are still plenty of things that he’s grateful for.
Things he’s happy he’s alive to experience today, with a fresh start each morning.
‘A King pushes onward always, accepting the consequences and never looking back.’ The words spill from Noctis’s mouth, a mantra that kept him going in the darkest times, for better or for worse. ‘That’s what dad always used to say.’ He explains to Vanitas. ‘I hated it at the time. Still do honestly, after everything that’s happened.’ He sighs. ‘But that mindset got me through a lot of tough times. Kept me going knowing I had no choice but to continue on.’ Noctis’s face softens. ‘And now I don’t need it anymore.’
‘Your point?’ Vanitas asks, too tired to read into whatever it is Noctis is trying to say.
‘My point,’ Noctis starts, standing up. ‘Is that things can always get better if you keep going. But you won’t know unless you try.’ He approaches Vanitas and sits down next to him on the floor. ‘Things have gotta be better now than they were before, right? We’re together again, and now that the world’s at peace, we can make more memories. Even better ones.’
Vanitas frowns, looking down towards the ground. Noctis reached out and runs a hand through his hair encouragingly
‘Van, you’ve got a chance to live again, but you never thought it would come with this kind of price. I don’t blame you for being pissed off about that. And I can’t imagine what you’re going through. None of us can.’ He acknowledges. ‘Even so, I think you should take this chance to do the things you want this time around. I mean think about it, you got a chance to live the years you never had before. Most people would kill for that chance, me included.’
Vanitas furrows his brow, putting puzzle pieces together.
‘Like the years you lost in the crystal…’ Vanitas mumbles, realizing that Noctis’s words actually hold some weight.
‘Yea.’ Noctis nods. ‘And I know you didn’t ask for my old man opinion,’ He says, causing Vanitas to snort. ‘But I think you really would be stupid for not taking this chance to just be a kid. I know there’s stuff you at least want to try. Like having a stuffed animal for the first time.’ He nods towards the pink chocobo, and Vanitas lets it go as if he’s been burned. ‘Or being held. I know you like that even though you won’t admit it.’ He chuckles as Vanitas turns away with a grumble. ‘Or swimming. You wanted to do that the other day, right?’
‘I didn’t want to wear the stupid water wings.’ Vanitas frowns.
‘Then forget ‘em.’ Noctis says easily. ‘They’re there if you need them, but you don’t have to wear them.’
‘You make it sound so easy.’ Vanitas says with a raised eyebrow. ‘Then what about the car seat?’
‘Hm…’ Noctis furrows his brow. ‘It’s mostly for the flying parts, so that you don’t crash through the windshield. But I don’t see why we can’t ditch it otherwise.’
At this, Vanitas looks up, surprised by the compromise offered.
‘Yea?’
‘Yea. I know how much you hate it anyway.’ Noctis says with a smile and a hum.
‘What about food?’ Vanitas asks with a raised dark eyebrow, daring to press his luck. ‘Can I eat what you guys get to eat?’
‘You know that’d be more Iggy’s domain.’ Noctis says, placing a thoughtful hand up to his chin. ‘But if you ask me, he owes you after all this. We can have a talk with him about it tomorrow. I’ll back you up.’
Vanitas sighs with relief.
‘Anything else?’ Noctis asks with a playful tone. ‘Or is that all the requests from the peanut gallery?’
Vanitas throws an equally playful glare at him, ready to quip back, before a sudden thought comes to mind as he’s reminded of their argument from last night.
About that leash he saw locked on to August’s wrist this morning. And distantly, about the locked door still waiting for him in the royal suite.
His face noticeably falls, causing Noctis to raise an eyebrow.
‘Van?’
‘If you’re thinking about a punishment for getting lost again, I wasn’t serious about it, you know… from last night.’ He struggles to find the words, a shiver running down his spine as he looks away, hiding his eyes behind his dark hair.
‘What?’ Noctis asks, confused. ‘About what from last night?’
‘The…’ Vanitas swallows. ‘August was wearing a bracelet today. Gladio said it locked so that he couldn’t take it off.’ He looks up at Noct for a quick second before looking away, hiding his wrists from view. ‘It’s some sort of leash for kids.’
‘Oh…’ Noctis says slowly. ‘Oh, Van…’
The King reaches out for Vanitas, gently picking him up and moving to stand. Vanitas doesn’t protest the hold, clinging to Noctis as he moves to sit them both down on the bed.
‘Of course I knew you weren’t serious.’ Noctis says earnestly, tone soft. ‘I would never do that to you.’
‘Then what about the door in the suite?’ Vanitas asks. ‘It’s got some magic to it now, and I don’t know the code.’
Noctis furrows his brow with confusion.
‘The door is meant to keep people out, not in.’ He says slowly. ‘We realized that it was actually a really big safety hazard for you, so now it only locks the outside.’ Noctis explains. ‘The magic is just there so that I’ll be woken up whenever anyone enters or leaves at night. But you should always be able to open that door. Have you tried?’ Vanitas slowly shakes his head, and Noctis frowns. ‘I swear one of us must have told you about that. I’m sorry, Van. Must have slipped our minds.’
Vanitas pauses, thinking.
‘That’s really all that’s changed about the door?’ He asks slowly.
‘Yea.’ Noctis nods, causing Vanitas to deflate. ‘Van, did you think we were keeping you locked up? That the door was some kind of punishment for that day?’ Vanitas looks away silently and Noctis sighs. ‘Now I’m beginning to get the whole picture.’ He says as he sets Vanitas down off his lap and onto the bed. ‘Van, we worry about you, all the time. We don’t ever want you to be taken from us again. But we’re not gonna restrain you. Promise.’
Vanitas is silent for a moment. He wants to say he knows this already, that he trusts Noctis would never do that, but hearing it said out loud brings a great weight off his chest.
‘I’m sorry.’ Vanitas says, all the strength left in him giving out as he grips Noctis’s shirt with one hand, his face turned towards the ground. ‘I shouldn’t have snapped at you yesterday.’
‘You’ve been going through a lot.’ Noctis acknowledges as he gently guides the child to lie down. ‘I see that now.’ He says, getting up to turn off the lamp.
Once the room is cast in darkness, Noctis grabs the pillow and chocobo from the floor nearby and returns to bed. Vanitas wordlessly takes the stuffed animal when Noctis hands it to him and moves over a bit. The King ends up lying on his back, with Vanitas settled on his chest, hidden away and protected from the rest of the world as Noctis brings the covers over them.
After the two of them are quiet for a little while, Noctis speaks, his tone unbelievably gentle.
‘Van…’ Noctis starts, rubbing the child’s back. ‘Nothing you could ever do would make me think any less of you. I want you to know that.’
Vanitas grips Noctis’s shirt again, the only sign that he’s listening.
‘I know I’m not good with words in times like this, but… I don’t want you to doubt that.’ Vanitas grips tighter, though remains silent. ‘And I want you here. Always.’
Noctis hears as Vanitas takes in a deep, shaky breath in response, and doesn’t comment as he feels a wet spot form on the shoulder of his shirt. He only kisses the child’s forehead and holds him close as they drift off to sleep.
Bonus Scene:
‘So hey um, I don’t know how to bring this up, but did anybody else notice there was something weird about the ocean today?’ Prompto asks once emotions have settled down and the four adults are cleaning up after dinner while Vanitas sleeps upstairs.
‘What do you mean?’ Ignis asks, nursing a can of Ebony at the dinner table.
No one has commented on his odd choice of after dinner drink, correctly assuming that he needs a pick-me-up after such an emotionally heavy day.
‘I didn’t see anything.’ Gladio says as he scrubs a soapy dinner plate in the sink.
‘Probably cuz you were too busy playing jungle gym.’ Noctis snorts from the other room, where he’s putting in a load of laundry. It consists mostly of Prompto’s clothes from when he fell into the ocean today.
Noctis may or may not have pushed him in for making fun of his cast for the thousandth time.
‘I cannot say I noticed anything either.’ Ignis hums. ‘What was it exactly that you saw, Prompto?’
‘It was weird.’ Prompto recounts while drying a glass, his arms waving around the dish towel as he speaks. ‘Like it was water, but it didn’t look like normal water. Like it was blue, but moving under there.’
‘Maybe you just inhaled too much salt water.’ Noctis says, coming back into the room.
‘I noticed it BEFORE you pushed me in, jerk.’ Prompto says, lightly slapping Noctis with the towel.
‘Then I don’t know what to tell you.’ Noctis crosses his arms.
‘Oh come on, none of you guys saw it?’ Prompto asks, exasperated. ‘I don’t believe it.’
‘Believe what you like.’ Ignis says. ‘But just don’t get in over your head.’
‘Water the chances of that?’ Gladio says, barely concealing a snicker.
‘Better just to go with the flow.’ Noctis grins.
Prompto glares at each of them.
‘You know, I’m starting to get why Vani can’t stand our puns…’
Dream Eater Allyphant Creations 
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